


worth staying for

by em_gray



Category: The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue Series - Mackenzi Lee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, but very well, i'm still a little burnt out from writing sc, in depth so watch out with that, percy? getting the support and comfort he deserves? it's more likely than you think, reverse au, so it's gonna take a while to get the writing quality back up, the suffering is transferred to monty tho so :/, we can't have everything, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26772394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_gray/pseuds/em_gray
Summary: The conversation after Eton, except slightly different.
Relationships: Henry "Monty" Montague & Percy Newton
Comments: 11
Kudos: 33





	worth staying for

“Monty?”

I blink one eye open. A silhouette is blocking the sun, its edges blurred by light. Percy, frowning down at me.

“Hallo there, darling.” My voice breaks on the final word. I’m stretched out on the damp grass in the garden, hiding between the rose bushes. The bitter taste of nausea lingers in my mouth, faintly burning my throat. I feel hollowed out and empty, nothing but a paper-thin layer of skin over breakable bones, every bruise throbbing like a heartbeat I want rid of.

Every beat, pointless.

“I heard you were back,” Percy says hesitantly. “What… What happened?”

“Well.” I shrug, and it hurts. “Eton threw me out.”

“What’d you do?”

“I had a bit of a gambling enthusiasm.”

“Everyone at Eton has a gambling enthusiasm. It’s not enough to expel you.”

“It was enough for them to search my rooms. And there was found some incriminating correspondence between myself and that lad I wrote to tell you about. Which was rather enough.”

“Oh God.”

All the while between being found out and waiting to be collected, I’d felt so defiant and righteous, unshakable in my surety that I’d done nothing wrong. I held my head high and answered every disgusted glare, kept my voice steady in my retorts. Chin up, spine straight, more certain than I’d ever be about anything that no one could make me ashamed of it.

My father had knocked that straight out of me.

It’s running circles in my mind, all the vicious details of that week. My father’s face as the headmaster explained what happened. The way that, after a while, he’d been hitting me for long enough that I heard more than felt the blows landing. The exquisite discomfort of the carriage ride home, my ribs rattling around in my chest every time we hit a rut and my head packed up tight, like it was full of cotton. All the things he called me that I’ll never forget.

My sole saving grace is that he spared my face. I genuinely couldn’t have worked up the effort required to cover up any damage there.

Percy lies down beside me, head next to mine but our bodies pointing in the opposite direction. Grey clouds wander through the sky, carried by a chilly breeze left over from winter. Harpsichord music drifts through the parlor windows, heavy-handed scales played at top speed. Felicity practising with great indignance.

“What happens now?” Percy asks.

“Well.” My throat feels closed up. “Now my father is going to be home more. Not so much time away in London, and that’s entirely my fault. I’m going to have to see him all the time and be around him - all the bleeding time, and it’s not going to change  _ anything _ .”

“I know.”

“If he could-” The sound dies away in my throat. I feel so damn close to tears. “If he could-” I try again, but it’s in vain. My voice is a thin thread, close to snapping. “It’s not going to change anything,” I just whisper in the end.

Percy sits up and hugs me.

And it hurts. It takes everything in me not to flinch when he pulls me into his arms, pressing against the bruises he doesn’t even know are there. But I’m hurting regardless. The comfort is worth it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in my ear. “About your father and Eton and- I’m so sorry.”

I feel the tears pressing behind my eyes. I bury my face against his chest, let him rub circles into my back, a steady rhythm of pain and comfort.

_ The only thing worth staying for. _

It’s not the first time I’ve thought about it. It’s a strange thing, to want to die. Stranger still when you don’t feel you deserve to get away so easily. Strange to look at your life and find that you’ve got it so much better than most and it still doesn’t feel like it’s any good. That your every day and your every occupation and your every connection is unfulfilling, distractions that can’t distract you enough from that voice in your head and that darkness looming in the corners of your eyes and that low-burning pain in your heart. Not quite painful enough - but still eating away bits and pieces of you every day.

It’s a strange thing to look at your life and find that all you’ve got to hang on to is what you’ve got in your arms right now. A strange question to pose -  _ is this enough? _ Is this worth the ache? Does this balance the scales?

I want to tell him. Right here, right now. I want to let it out into the light because I can’t bear keeping it inside of me. Pray that the one person who’s always been there for me has the answer right now.

Admit to him that I wish I were dead and beg for reasons not to be.

Percy speaks first. “I’m glad you’re back, though.” He laughs, and it’s a strange sound. “I missed you. And I really, really need you right now.”

Something in his voice makes me waver. Something odd, something tearful in his laugh. I sit up and look at him. He turns away his face, trying to hide it in the casual motion of brushing a lock of hair out of his eyes, but there’s only so much he can do.

It hits me with a shock.

He’s crying.

“Percy?” I ask. It all feels so far away. I haven’t seen Percy cry in years. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing,” he insists, but it’s a fairly transparent lie. “This isn’t about me.”

“I’m  _ making _ it about you.” My own desperation, swept aside so easily by the pain in those eyes. “Percy. Look at me. What’s wrong?”

A sob escapes him. He puts his hand to his mouth to stifle it, but he’s crying so hard that he’s shaking with it. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out. “You don’t have to- You’ve got enough-”

“Percy.” I take him by the shoulders. “You tell me what’s going on right now.”

He tries to hold it back for a moment longer. Then it spills out of him.

“I have epilepsy.”

I freeze up. Percy watches my reaction, bottom lip between his teeth, then tries to turn away again.

I know almost nothing about epilepsy. Devils and possession and insanity, those are the sorts of things I’ve heard of, but they’re all the stuff of horror stories that end with the moral “Thank God each day for your health.” And besides, this is Percy, the best lad I know. None of those things can be right.

“...What?” is the only thing I can articulate in the end.

“I have epilepsy,” Percy repeats, avoiding my eyes, voice choked. “I had my first fit about a month ago and I’ve seen so many doctors and all they can say is that - that there’s nothing to be done, that this is for the rest of my life and - I’ve been trying different treatments but none of them work and - and my aunt and uncle have been treating me strangely since we got the diagnosis and - and I’ve been so afraid and alone and I...”

He collapses in tears.

I’m staring at him. The whole world seems distant. Percy is crying and he’s ill and he’s not going to get any better and I’m just staring at him, having no idea what to do.

“Does it…?” I eventually try, sounding meek. “Is it…?” A million questions go through my head.  _ Is it contagious? Does it hurt? Are you going to die? Are you going to die? Are you going to die? _

But none of that matters. Percy is falling apart and I’m all he has. Forget how I’m feeling right now, I have to be there for him.

I find that I have no idea how to.

_ Say something, Monty. Say something kind. Something that will make him stop looking so alone and afraid. _

And I have no idea what to say. Only a singular thought floats up, like flotsam from the shipwreck that is my mind.  _ What would Percy do? _ If it was you breaking down right now, what would Percy do?

“Hey,” I say gently. Then again, because I’m an idiot, “Hey.”

I raise a hand to his face and guide his eyes back to mine. It just seems to make him cry harder.

“It’s… It’s going to be all right.” God, I sound so daft. “I promise.”

“I’m so scared,” Percy whispers. “I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.”

“I’m not going to  _ let _ anything happen to you.” I’m gaining conviction. I sit up properly. “Listen to me. No matter what, I’m going to be there for you, okay?”

Percy’s nodding, tears still streaming down his face.

“And… Everything is going to work out. Here.” I put up one hand, fingers splayed wide. “I’m going to give you five reasons why the future won’t be so bad.”

Percy sniffs.

“Reason number one. I haven’t been able to give you your birthday present yet, and it’s really excellent, so that will definitely make you feel better.” He lets out a teary laugh. “Number two-” I’m ticking them off as I go. “Now that I’m back, we’ll probably be invited for a game of billiards soon. And as you know that I’m rubbish at it, you’ll be able to make fun of my skills all night. Number three, I still need you to hate Richard Peele with me.”

“I hate Richard Peele,” Percy says quietly.

“ _ WE HATE RICHARD PEELE! _ ” I shout, ignoring the stab of pain going through my ribs. It startles a bird, taking flight from the hedgerow. Percy laughs again, with more warmth this time. “Number four, we still have never managed to slide all the way down the staircase at your house on a serving tray. That inevitable victory is something to look forward to. And five…” I press my thumb into my fist, “...I am going to be there for you. Always. Whatever happens. Us two against the world, remember? And I… I...”

_ I need you _ , I want to say.  _ I’m scared because I want to die and I don’t know what to do with that. I’m scared of my father and I’m scared of my future and I don’t know what I’m hanging on for. _

Except in that moment, I do know. My life may be worthless but Percy’s - Percy’s isn’t. Percy deserves the best things. And I can look after him. I can stick around to make sure he’s all right.

“...And I care about you so goddamn much,” I conclude instead.

Percy catches my eye, and something passes between us. The tears are drying on his cheeks and he’s looking at me with such a curious thing in his gaze that it scares me. And then it hits me, all of a sudden. Just stating it out loud breathes life into it.

Maybe I care more about him than I know.

“All right?” I cut the moment short. An odd lightness in my heart.

Percy blinks, pulled from whatever thoughts he was lost in. He wipes his sleeve over his face, and gives me a brilliant smile. “All right.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a concept we discussed in the discord a while back! I think it might have full-length fic potential, but that case I'd still need to plot a lot. For now it's just a one-shot, but if you're interested in the concept, let me know!


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